Conspiracy Theories

Hello kids, and welcome to today's lesson! This time, we will be discussing the controversial topic of Europe! Does it exist? Or is it just a fantasy created by the government for the purpose of filling our heads with false history and stealing our money?!

To uncover the truth, I hopped on the next flight to Italy.

The only way to know for sure if Europe exists is to see it with your own eyes from the air (assuming you can trust the airplane windows to actually show what's outside), so that's exactly what I set out to do. I planned to look out the plane window periodically during the 8.5 hour flight, and look for the following telltale signs of conspiracy:

1. Flying in circles over the same area (to stall for time)

2. Landing on a small, secluded island decorated with Italian things

3. Not landing on a large, Europe-shaped landmass

Unfortunately, I encountered an unexpected problem: nighttime.

(Bonus points if you can identify the planets!)

It was impossible to see anything out of the window other than blackness for most of the flight, and, many hours later, I had landed in Italy (or "Italy") without a single aerial view.

The rest of my search proved just as fruitless, as I found no concrete proof that I was actually in Europe and not on some secret island. As much as I tried to enjoy the remainder of the trip, I couldn't get the suspicions out of my head. It seems that the mystery of the existence of Europe remains unsolved.

Well played, Government. Well played.

Pie Charts and Pi Charts

Hopefully more than 17% of you will find these as entertaining as I do.

I calculated these percentages using logarithms, in case you were wondering.

Haiku Time Pt 3

Anglerfish are fun

But don't play the game they play

They want to eat you

Secret Message of Awesome

Marine and I have hidden a secret message for you in the following image. Have fun!

Haiku Time Pt 2

I like Pokémon

Meganium, Frenzy Plant!

"That move is stupid."



The Unicorn Field Guide

I know you’ve been waiting a long time for this, and it’s finally here!!

The Unicorn Field Guide



Unicorns of the Thermos-Heating Variety:

Most unicorns serve useful purposes in society. This particular unicorn benefits society in two ways:

1.       It keeps things in thermoses warm

2.       It eliminates the necessity for physics to be needed to explain why thermoses are able to keep things warm

If getting rid of physics isn’t enough for you, you’ll be glad to know that this is only the beginning of the capabilities of unicorn magic.

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Unicorns that Serve as Artists:

These abstract-looking unicorns have the ability to both inspire artists and to create art themselves. They are surprisingly able to function in normal unicorn society despite their strange appearance because all the other unicorns appreciate their creativity. Without these awkwardly-shaped creatures, the realms of the unicorns would be drab and colorless. Actually, there just wouldn’t be any unrecognizable sculptures or random paint splatters…

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Gusty, the Unicorn of Pure Awesomeness:

Gusty is a one-of-a-kind unicorn from 1984, and is actually famous! She has appeared on television and also on video. Oddly enough for a superstar, she has a very awkward voice.

Naturally, her horn has magical powers, and with it she can control gusts of wind. She has used this power to trap rainbow-colored raindrops in a barrel, and, more recreationally, to play polo with her friends.

In a more modern setting, she spends her time looking pretty on my shelf and making people smile!

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Math-Altering Unicorns: The Lepers of Unicorn Society:

Although these unicorns look sickly, they’re actually just ugly. When first discovered, it was observed that all other varieties of unicorns relentlessly shun and taunt this poor creature.

These unicorns seem to deserve our collective pity. In truth, they deserve the mistreatment, for they have the most terrible of all powers: the ability to alter mathematics.

You know when you’re solving a math problem, and suddenly you are stuck and don’t know what to do? Or maybe when you go to check an answer with a friend, but you realize that you have done the whole problem wrong? You have just been victimized by these cruel math-altering unicorns.

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The Unicorns that Serve as Artists are off bullying the Math-Altering Unicorns, so please enjoy this cute little closing doodle.

I Like People Who Like Eating People

Here's an emoticon for zombies.

And one for people who are friends with zombies.

And one for people who are friends with people who are friends with zombies.

Happy Honorary Birthday Mariney!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MARINEY!! YOU’RE THE BESTEST!

Fun Fact: Marine’s Honorary Birthday is celebrated on the 29^th of February, so she only has to have one every four years.

Despite this, I have way too many ideas for birthday presents for Marine to wait four years between them. So mostly I celebrate it on the 28^th.

Well, it’s coming down to the last minute and I’m having a hard time getting a gift. These things are on the top of my list for Marine, but for some reason I can’t find any of them in stores…

A bottle of 100% Grade A fairy dust:

Cool Blogodactyl stickers (aka shameless advertising) to leave in random places or on unsuspecting passersby:

A robot that does your homework:

A copy of the world-renowned, age-old book, The Unicorn Field Guide:

Since I couldn’t find any of that, I decided to make this pretty cool poster out of Pokémon card wrappers.

Remember—it’s the thought that counts! …Right?

Alie Actually Likes Pancakes More

Haiku Time

You can't see my eyes

For today, I am a mop

I need a haircut

The Amazon Wonder Dolphin

Does your life have problems? Solve them TODAY with the one and only...

AMAZON WONDER DOLPHIN!!

How can a simple, pink river dolphin improve your life?

This wondrous creature will EAT. YOUR. ENEMIES.



Other Things Your Dolphin Will Eat:

assorted cheeses,

people who like physics,

donuts,

people who don't like Suicunes,

split ends,

krill,

pizza,

typos,

mold and other harmful substances, and last but certainly not least

Europe (you can't prove it exists anyway)

BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE!

Order within the next five minutes and Blogodactyl will give you absolutely nothing extra!


Kthanksbye.

Reasons Why You Should Love Kakapos

Kakapos are green parrots from New Zealand. They are close to extinction; there are only 120 alive today. Also, they are too fat to fly. Personally, I love fat animals, so this automatically makes them winners in my eyes. But can you honestly say that you don't find it full of overwhelming cuteness that a bird is too fat for its wings to support it? No. You can't.

In addition to their fatness, the noise a kakapo makes is called a skraak. It is the most awkwardly adorable thing I've ever heard. It doesn't even sound like it should be coming from a bird. I mean the word skraak is awkward enough on its own, but once you heard the noise a kakapo makes, you'll understand why. It's fantastic.

My main goal in life is to one day hug a kakapo. I don't think the kakapo would enjoy it as much as I would, but a girl can still dream, can't she?

A Supplement to the Soon-to-be-Famous Unicorn Field Guide

As fishicorns are very different from unicorns and, in fact, not unicorns at all, they are not included in The Unicorn Field Guide, which will be coming soon to a Blogodactyl near you. For this reason, you have been provided the following informational article. (The key word there was informational, in case you didn't catch that.) Enjoy.

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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a magnificent stick creature roamed free. These beings were known throughout the land as fishicorns. They earned this name immediately upon discovery, reasonably because they appear in the form of a unicorn with a fish where the tongue should be and another fish hanging off the end of the tail (see below).

Fishicorns are known to bring good luck to anyone who doodles them frequently, so grab a pencil and start drawing! What sort of luck they bring depends on the location of the image. For example, doodling multiple fishicorns in a math notebook is known to bring high scores on tests (all subjects) and boost the probability of success in choir auditions. Unfortunately, they are not helpful in causing choir audition results to be posted before 6th period tomorrow.

When the fishicorns were discovered, they were hunted excessively for their horns. These horns, while easily mistaken for unicorn's horns, have very little magical power. Unfortunately, by the time fishicorn-poachers realized this, it was too late to save the dying species. Fishicorns have been extremely endangered ever since.

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Now that you know everything there is to know about fishicorns, Marine and I have a special treat for you. Just because we care.

The game.

You're welcome.

Norman The Fuzzy Slug

A couple days ago, Alie said she wanted a fuzzy slug. In celebration of our finals being over, here he is. He's called Norman.

 

Just look at all that fluff.

Immune Systems Are People Too

When Alie gets sick, she gets mildly incoherent for a day or so, and then her immune system kicks into gear and violently beats her disease into submission.

This is because Alie's immune system is actually a weightlifting ballerina with hot pink hair. She violently attacks the germs and diseases that try to invade Alie's body, and her valiant efforts result in Alie rarely getting sick. While her mighty immune system is busy waging war, Alie unfortunately tends to get a bit confused. The commotion from warfare and the battle cries of your immune system can be disorienting, which is what causes Alie to say things like "I love odd similes like a narwhal loves cheesecake icing fish," and think they actually make sense. But her immune system is still effective at kicking germs in the face and forcing them to retreat.


My immune system is not so great. She's a small, waif-like thing with absolutely no concept of defense or protection or immunity in general. When she sees a germ, she goes running for the hills, leaving me to fall prey to illness after illness. While she's off hiding, I get to do things like vomiting in public and then going home and curling up in bed for seven hours because my stomach hurts so much that I can't move.

I think my immune system needs to start lifting weights.

Penguin Hats Apparently Cannot Cure Diseases

One winter day, I was going about my business as usual--although by business I mean skipping around happily surrounded by a perpetual aura of glitter and sunshine. I had recently purchased a penguin hat, which only intensified my enthusiasm.

Over the course of the next 24 hours, I began to notice myself trudging around or laying on the couch pathetically instead of frolicking. At first I figured that I was just tired, but I knew that something was seriously wrong when Marine (and many other credible sources) began to repeatedly tell me that nothing I said made any sense. I thought I was having normal conversations, but apparently I was responding with random nonsense.

I became more and more confused until I realized...I was sick. And being sick doesn't feel great.

The moral of the story is that winter = diseases. These evil wintry diseases run rampant and try to make your life miserable using one or more of the following methods:

1. Snacking on your energy so you are forced to lay on the couch all day like some sort of human-sloth-creature.

2. Convincing you that incoherent thoughts are coherent so that you confuse yourself and everyone around you.

3. Littering its candybar wrappers all over your body (especially throat--results in phenomenon known as coughing).

4. Lighting your brain on fire, thus causing thermometers to display unnatural temperatures.

5. Lots of other things that being diseased will make you too tired to list.

Because I don't enjoy a life of misery, I normally refuse to get sick. I don't know what happened this time. My immune system needs to step it up.

Save The Whales

So I got a tablet and I was really excited.

I was filled with spastic joy and rainbows and happiness, but then I discovered that tablets are filled with shenanigans. I was expecting to plug in my tablet, draw a masterpiece, sell it on the interwebs, and make enough money to spend the rest of my life trying to hug a kakapo instead of working. Unfortunately, tablets don't really work like this, and because you can't actually see your drawing on the tablet, your perception is altered. So instead of creating artwork that would put Monet and Van Gogh to shame, I ended up with drawings that vaguely resembled the doodles of a crazed toddler who had just eaten her way through a 40 pound bag of Halloween candy.

Maybe I'll call it abstract and say it has deep messages about ending world hunger and saving the whales.

My Resolution Is to Stop Ranting

What's wrong with this picture?

...

The picture's unattractive? Well, maybe that's true, but no. You're wrong. Ha. You were just defeated by an ugly picture.

...

I copied and pasted in a picture of Marine so I wouldn't have to draw her? No, I definitely drew that all by myself. You're really bad at guessing.

...

The strange unanswerable question about whether or not drawings of octopuses/octopi/octopeople should have beaks? Okay, forget it. I'll just tell you:

It's those stupid 2011 glasses.

They look ridiculous, and they don't make any sense. Seriously, we don't have two zeroes in the year anymore, so why bother? I remember being excited to wear the glasses in 2000. In 2010 it was a little questionable, but at least there were two zeroes.

You'd think that there's no possible way to make glasses out of a 2011, but somehow it was done. I imagine the glasses-makers had a conversation something like this:

Glasses Design Technician: So...how do we get another hole in the 2011 glasses?
Glasses Company Representative: Just make them a monocle?
Glasses Design Technician: No, that would look ridiculous.
Glasses Manufacturer: How bout we just stick a hole in the middle of the 1?
Director of the Ergonomic Quality of Glasses: Would that even look like a 2011? How would that even fit on your face?
Glasses Design Technician: It's a really stupid idea, but we can't stop making the glasses. Let's do it!

And then they all went out for pizza.