A Supplement to the Soon-to-be-Famous Unicorn Field Guide

As fishicorns are very different from unicorns and, in fact, not unicorns at all, they are not included in The Unicorn Field Guide, which will be coming soon to a Blogodactyl near you. For this reason, you have been provided the following informational article. (The key word there was informational, in case you didn't catch that.) Enjoy.

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Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, a magnificent stick creature roamed free. These beings were known throughout the land as fishicorns. They earned this name immediately upon discovery, reasonably because they appear in the form of a unicorn with a fish where the tongue should be and another fish hanging off the end of the tail (see below).

Fishicorns are known to bring good luck to anyone who doodles them frequently, so grab a pencil and start drawing! What sort of luck they bring depends on the location of the image. For example, doodling multiple fishicorns in a math notebook is known to bring high scores on tests (all subjects) and boost the probability of success in choir auditions. Unfortunately, they are not helpful in causing choir audition results to be posted before 6th period tomorrow.

When the fishicorns were discovered, they were hunted excessively for their horns. These horns, while easily mistaken for unicorn's horns, have very little magical power. Unfortunately, by the time fishicorn-poachers realized this, it was too late to save the dying species. Fishicorns have been extremely endangered ever since.

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Now that you know everything there is to know about fishicorns, Marine and I have a special treat for you. Just because we care.

The game.

You're welcome.

Norman The Fuzzy Slug

A couple days ago, Alie said she wanted a fuzzy slug. In celebration of our finals being over, here he is. He's called Norman.

 

Just look at all that fluff.

Immune Systems Are People Too

When Alie gets sick, she gets mildly incoherent for a day or so, and then her immune system kicks into gear and violently beats her disease into submission.

This is because Alie's immune system is actually a weightlifting ballerina with hot pink hair. She violently attacks the germs and diseases that try to invade Alie's body, and her valiant efforts result in Alie rarely getting sick. While her mighty immune system is busy waging war, Alie unfortunately tends to get a bit confused. The commotion from warfare and the battle cries of your immune system can be disorienting, which is what causes Alie to say things like "I love odd similes like a narwhal loves cheesecake icing fish," and think they actually make sense. But her immune system is still effective at kicking germs in the face and forcing them to retreat.


My immune system is not so great. She's a small, waif-like thing with absolutely no concept of defense or protection or immunity in general. When she sees a germ, she goes running for the hills, leaving me to fall prey to illness after illness. While she's off hiding, I get to do things like vomiting in public and then going home and curling up in bed for seven hours because my stomach hurts so much that I can't move.

I think my immune system needs to start lifting weights.

Penguin Hats Apparently Cannot Cure Diseases

One winter day, I was going about my business as usual--although by business I mean skipping around happily surrounded by a perpetual aura of glitter and sunshine. I had recently purchased a penguin hat, which only intensified my enthusiasm.

Over the course of the next 24 hours, I began to notice myself trudging around or laying on the couch pathetically instead of frolicking. At first I figured that I was just tired, but I knew that something was seriously wrong when Marine (and many other credible sources) began to repeatedly tell me that nothing I said made any sense. I thought I was having normal conversations, but apparently I was responding with random nonsense.

I became more and more confused until I realized...I was sick. And being sick doesn't feel great.

The moral of the story is that winter = diseases. These evil wintry diseases run rampant and try to make your life miserable using one or more of the following methods:

1. Snacking on your energy so you are forced to lay on the couch all day like some sort of human-sloth-creature.

2. Convincing you that incoherent thoughts are coherent so that you confuse yourself and everyone around you.

3. Littering its candybar wrappers all over your body (especially throat--results in phenomenon known as coughing).

4. Lighting your brain on fire, thus causing thermometers to display unnatural temperatures.

5. Lots of other things that being diseased will make you too tired to list.

Because I don't enjoy a life of misery, I normally refuse to get sick. I don't know what happened this time. My immune system needs to step it up.

Save The Whales

So I got a tablet and I was really excited.

I was filled with spastic joy and rainbows and happiness, but then I discovered that tablets are filled with shenanigans. I was expecting to plug in my tablet, draw a masterpiece, sell it on the interwebs, and make enough money to spend the rest of my life trying to hug a kakapo instead of working. Unfortunately, tablets don't really work like this, and because you can't actually see your drawing on the tablet, your perception is altered. So instead of creating artwork that would put Monet and Van Gogh to shame, I ended up with drawings that vaguely resembled the doodles of a crazed toddler who had just eaten her way through a 40 pound bag of Halloween candy.

Maybe I'll call it abstract and say it has deep messages about ending world hunger and saving the whales.

My Resolution Is to Stop Ranting

What's wrong with this picture?

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The picture's unattractive? Well, maybe that's true, but no. You're wrong. Ha. You were just defeated by an ugly picture.

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I copied and pasted in a picture of Marine so I wouldn't have to draw her? No, I definitely drew that all by myself. You're really bad at guessing.

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The strange unanswerable question about whether or not drawings of octopuses/octopi/octopeople should have beaks? Okay, forget it. I'll just tell you:

It's those stupid 2011 glasses.

They look ridiculous, and they don't make any sense. Seriously, we don't have two zeroes in the year anymore, so why bother? I remember being excited to wear the glasses in 2000. In 2010 it was a little questionable, but at least there were two zeroes.

You'd think that there's no possible way to make glasses out of a 2011, but somehow it was done. I imagine the glasses-makers had a conversation something like this:

Glasses Design Technician: So...how do we get another hole in the 2011 glasses?
Glasses Company Representative: Just make them a monocle?
Glasses Design Technician: No, that would look ridiculous.
Glasses Manufacturer: How bout we just stick a hole in the middle of the 1?
Director of the Ergonomic Quality of Glasses: Would that even look like a 2011? How would that even fit on your face?
Glasses Design Technician: It's a really stupid idea, but we can't stop making the glasses. Let's do it!

And then they all went out for pizza.